At the conclusion of the wedding, please fill this out completely and return it to the bride and groom.
Why did you choose to come to this wedding?
a) Obligated.
b) Freewill.
c) Crashed it.
How would you rate the ceremony?
a) Beautiful.
b) Too long, boring, or traditional.
c) Very confusing.
d) Epic freak show.
e) Did not believe it, especially the actor playing the Rabbi.
If you selected c, was it because you don’t understand Hebrew and Judaic customs?
What was your initial thought when the bride walked down the aisle?
a) She’s beautiful.
b) That dress looks great.
c) RUN! HEAD FOR THE HILLS!
The appetizers were similar to food you’d find from:
a) McDonald’s.
b) IHOP.
c) my Mom (please explain what kind of cook she was).
d) Gibson’s Steak House.
e) L’Astrance.
How would you describe your experience of small talk with the bride and groom?
a) Banal or superficial.
b) Similar to when somebody tries to sell me a Caribbean timeshare.
c) Like presidential candidates seeking campaign funds.
d) As if somebody was holding a semi-automatic pistol to their heads.
e) Really nice, until they asked me who I was.
The bride and groom’s first dance was:
a) Endearing.
b) Precious.
c) Robotic.
d) So disturbing that I plan on seeking intensive trauma therapy immediately.
The wedding toasts were:
a) Way too long.
b) Trite, cheesy, sappy, or cliche-ridden.
c) Full of too many inside jokes.
d) More suitable for a elegy.
e) Sounded like they were downloaded off the Internet.
f) Fine, had the speaker not cried. MAN UP!
I found the music selection to be:
a) Way too skimpy on the polka.
b) Akin to being at a Rage Against the Machine concert.
c) Full of wonderful transitions, especially from Hava Nagila to Lady Gaga.
d) Too reliant on gimmicks (limbo and hula hoops) and group dances (Chicken Dance, Electric Slide, etc.).
e) Great, once I pulled the electric cord.
Please describe the venue:
a) Elegant.
b) Charming.
c) Quaint
d) Rustic (there were squirrels in the bathroom).
If you selected d, were you attacked? If so, please fill out a detailed emergency summary report for compensation.
The most surprising thing about the wedding was:
a) No flowers.
b) The magician or petting zoo.
c) The talent show or group tug of war.
d) The arts and crafts table or the circumcision tent for newborns.
e) I made it out alive.
If you selected d, did you make God’s Eyes or sock monkeys? Was there enough glitter, lanyard, and pipe cleaner?
Please rate the bride and groom:
a) Excellent.
b) Good.
c) Average.
d) Below Average.
e) Poor.
Thank you for filling out your card. We will send our rating of you as a guest in the mail. Things we look at include your behavior, appearance, and gift giving ability.
When writing wedding vows, people advised me to think of life before my fiancee. So I consulted my journal from years spent in solitary confinement (my tiny studio apartment). Here are my vows:
When we met, I was relieved you had a pulse. I knew people said it couldn’t be done, but I proved my parents wrong. I was in love with you when you remembered my name. Before I met you I survived primarily on Red Bull and Hardee’s Double Bacon Cheese Thick Burgers. You have introduced me to marvelous things I never dreamed possible, like fresh air and places other then my couch. You taught me so much. 5 p.m. is not time for breakfast. Alliance dwarves from World of Warcraft do not count as real friends. Conversations don’t always have to start with fart jokes. I thought it was heresy when you told me vegetables don’t have to be covered in cheese, and Fruit Loops do not count as a serving of fruit. I am sorry when I accused you of trying to suffocate my cells. Wearing clothes isn’t that bad. Also, my sincere apologies for accusing you of torture. I had never walked around the block before.
When you rescued me from my cramped living quarters, I saw you for the angel you are. The first week you limited me to the living room. Over the next three months you slowly acclimated me to other areas of the house. Thanks for helping me adjust like a new puppy. I’m sorry I chewed up your slippers. I get emotional when you’re away. My devotion is to never return to living quarters where there’s no natural light and my bed is inches away from the fridge and toilet.
Because of you I no longer see the world as a deep soulless abyss devoid of humanity. You made me be a better man, but I’m still not eating tofu or drinking milk from a bean.
Our love is like fuzzy reruns of Friends on my old television. It’s formulaic and repetitive, but always on. I look forward to spending my life with you as we embark on this epic journey like my hero (Green Lantern) and his love (Star Sapphire). I love you, but there’s no way in hell I’ll ever stop reading comics.
Bride and Groom Prep Shots: We’re getting intimate. We’ll require artichoke hearts, box of wine, and some John Tesh (aged of course). Hootie and the Blowfish will also suffice. Please ignore the screams echoing from our downstairs well.
The Dress Hanging or Draped: Don’t forget to get the dress lying poolside with a Mai Tai, smoking a cigarette outside the hotel, and dressed in a robe before getting a Swedish massage.
Father Tying Groom’s Tie: Use an extreme wide shot. I’ll have just shaved. There will be blood.
Bride Looking Out Longingly: To achieve this, softly whisper “T-Bone and Eggs from Denny’s” in her ear.
Bride with Bridesmaids: Do you want this before or after their ultimate fight in the chain-linked “Octagon?” Tearing is caring.
Groom with Groomsmen: What’s our motivation? Are we astronauts returning from space after saving Earth from cannibalistic alien bounty hunters only to find all our loved ones we cared about missing thanks to a government conspiracy? It beats us lamely standing there with our hands in our pockets.
Bride Holding Bouquet: She forwent this and opted for a triple scoop ice-cream cone.
Groom Checking The Time: Yes, and planning my escape which is conveniently tattooed on my body.
Bride and Groom Holding Hands: Please Photoshop my pus dripping warts.
Bride Walking Down the Aisle, Groom Waiting at Altar, Bride and Groom Kiss, Bride and Groom Eating, First Dance, Bride and Groom Entering Limo: If you’re trying to make us sick of looking at ourselves, mission accomplished. We are modest folk. Plus, we’re eco-friendly and rented a 2011 Passion Coupe.
Bride and Groom Feeding Each Other Cake: Should the bride chew it first before regurgitating it in the groom’s mouth, or vice-versa?
Networks and cable channels have been dispensing a steady flow of coverage about our wedding the past few weeks. The media deluge is unavoidable. Just in case you’re missing any of it, here’s an A-Z refresher on what’s happening.
American Girl. My fiancée purchased her gown here because of her petite frame and freakishly tiny hands. The dress will infect fashion trends and set back the sociological significance of the white wedding gown for decades.
Big Mac. I’m allowed to have my last one May 10. That’s a tough thing to swallow.
Caladium. The bouquet is beautiful, but poisonous. Symptoms include general pain, irritation, swelling of tissues, or just a normal Sunday for my fiancée.
D-Day. My fiancée refers to our special day by her name. She reminds friends and family, “It’s Debbie’s day! If any of you (series of expletives) forget that, I’ll eat your baby!”
Eels. The sawtooth eels of Mayor Rahm Emanuel have led Chicago Jewish processions for many years. We’ll ride on the backs of these magnificent creatures to the ceremony. They are touchingly referred to as, “G-d’s unfortunate mistake.”
Family name. My parents presented me with a cease and desist letter claiming my blog is slandering the family name. I don’t see how. Their ancestors were inbred gypsies and bloodthirsty conquistadores.
Gift registry. We’re registered at: Toys”R”Us, the Louvre, Bank of America, Air Canada Centre, and Honeydukes Sweetshop (the most famous wizarding confectionery in the world). My fiancée is an avid collector of ectoplasm. She’d get more use out of captured ghosts than a set of steak knives.
High five. Due to my fear of intimacy, “kiss the bride” has been replaced with “high five the bride.”
Invites. Foreign royals, dignitaries, temple leaders, and celebrities have been invited. Among those confirmed: my mother’s boss and my uncle who can balance spoons from his nose. More than 100 guests are expected, none willingly.
Japanese facials. I’m getting weekly geisha facials. Uguisu no fun (powdered nightingale droppings) soften, brighten, and nourish my dry face. My fiancée receives leech therapy and sleeps in a hyperbolic chamber. The lengths one goes to look average.
Kriss Kross. The best weddings give guests exorbitant gift baskets. Those attending our wedding will receive this band’s CD and whatever else we found at the dollar store.
Live blogging. Unlike most weddings, reporters will continue commenting on the event well into the conclusion of our Greek honeymoon. For the first time in history, members of the press will denounce transparency and demand limited access.
Matt Lauer. He’ll present his Today special, “Scott and Debbie: A Modern Scary Tale,” May 30.
National Guard. Hot day in August. No air-conditioning. They’ll provide guests with disaster relief from: heatstroke, dehydration, and emotional duress.
Office. This has nothing to do with the wedding, but the show’s quality is steadily declining. Not even Will Ferrell can save it.
Promontory Point. Where the proverbial shit will hit the fan.
Quail. To save money, we skimped on stamps and envelopes for the invitations. Pigeons were too expensive. Carrier quails will deliver them. Besides the honor of being invited, you’ll have a tasty dinner.
Russian. We plan on saying our vows in over 15 different languages. Unlike other couples, we don’t discriminate.
Scebbie. The press gave us this celebrity moniker. Coincidentally, it’s the name of a new deadly virus in South America.
Theme. With the world’s attention on us, we need something that’s classy and powerful. Therefore, our theme is NASCAR.
U.S. media. Many networks will cover the event around the clock. Public access channels will begin reporting at 5:00 a.m.
Viewers. By one estimate, the U.S. State Department said more than 2 billion people around the world are expected to tune into our wedding ceremony. They are rounding to the nearest 2 billion.
Waste. What you’re doing with your time concentrating on all of this hoopla.
Xavier. My affectionate pet nickname for my fiancée.
Yuris. My fiancée’s affectionate pet nickname for me.
Zombie Rabbi. The cheapest wedding officiant we could find.
1) I won’t steal focus. If I’m more attractive than the bride and groom, I’ll wear a bag over my head or seek proper medical disfigurement.
2) I’ll offer compliments to the bride and groom every minute. When they strike or snap at me it’s only because celebrating love is stressful. Whether I’m a grandparent or flower girl, my role can easily be outsourced for a cheaper equivalent.
3) To cover the obscene expenses that come with this honor, I’m prepared to live as a hygiene-free, dumpster diving, drug trial subject. Should the experimental hair loss pills create a second stomach, I accept being limited to only one meal at the reception.
4) I’ll arrive nine hours early for hair and make-up. Once done, I won’t move. I cannot ruin anything. I won’t complain about the required perm; purple, strapless, chiffon dress; or the cheap hooker make-up, even though I’m a groomsman. I’ll train my body not to: sweat, require water, or use a bladder. Should I fail, I’ll exchange organs with a camel. I won’t comment when the bride and groom arrive hours late.
5) I’ll fulfill every request made without criticism or objection, including: a) Locate a snack for the bride. I’ll secure one goat and slaughter it in a way compliant with kosher law. b) Assist the groom in whatever way I can should his Irritable Bowel Syndrome incapacitate him (including standing in his place during the vows). c) Establish a noise level that doesn’t exceed 30 decibels, so the bride’s father remains comfortable. d) Ensure the groom’s father is never without cake, White Zinfandel, or his shirt. e) Attempt to make the groom’s mother smile in pictures.
I forfeit all rights to be treated like a human. Failure to comply will result in fines of up to whatever wedding day expenses remain.
I’ve always struggled making quality mix tapes. After scanning through wedding planning websites like The Knot, it’s obvious these missing skills are required for planning what to play. Selecting appropriate songs has been incredibly arduous and painstaking. At long last, I reached wedding playlist nirvana.
The Ceremony
Groom Entrance – For more than 30 years, I was the Rudy of relationships. “It’s impossible,” people told me. “You’ll never find somebody. You’re too weird.” I looked those skeptics straight in the eye and proclaimed, “Someday I’m gonna come running through those temple doors and I’m gonna get married!” This is the anthem of proving the world wrong. Like all good ceremony music it’s guaranteed to make you cry, provided you have a soul and tear ducts. Your hearts will soar at the 1:50 mark.
Bride Entrance – There’s no better song once she’s released from her cage.
The Reception
First Dance – This must be significant and symbolize our unconditional love.
Father Daughter Dance – This perfectly represents their relationship. Group hug and talking stick to follow.
Mother Son Dance – Like most weddings, this promises to be one of the most touching moments of the entire evening.
Hava Nagila – This Hebrew folk song staple must be epic. I’m challenging the Rabbi to a dance-off. He’s going to drop it like it’s not kosher. Skip the intro and go to the 1:20 mark.
We completed our first meeting with the Rabbi. Having him perform the wedding is meaningful. He made a man out of me at my Bar Mitzvah. Our first assignment is to privately write him reasons we want to marry each other. If it’s like other Jewish weddings, these letters will be read aloud during the ceremony. This clearly violates the Rabbi-groom privilege. Regardless, my mushy, heartfelt rough draft is complete.
Dear Rabbi:
I am marrying debbie because:
She’s smart. She’s caring. She’s creative. She can fashion a pipe out of most fruits and vegetables. You haven’t really smoked unless it’s out of a pineapple, Rabbi. She’s beautiful. She’s supportive. She’s great at compromising. Every half moon, I get to eat bacon and watch three minutes of the Bulls game. Pure heaven (or whatever we believe)! She makes me laugh. She’s a great listener…of her music. She constantly amazes me, especially the way she shotguns a beer and takes a punch to the kidney. She has fight club after pilates Tuesday nights. We have similar interests, like eating and breathing. Her and I share identical beliefs like: communication is overrated and Duck Tales is gospel (no offense). She put down her semi-automatic pistol to get a beer. Finally, I can be honest. Here’s the thing about her…oh crap, she’s back. She totally gets me.
Here is my fiancée’s letter:
Dear Rabbi:
I am marrying scott, because I really can’t tolerate using JDate and match.com anymore. Have a great day!
Our wedding space ideally hosts 120 people. That’s 20 percent of my Facebook friends. Clearly, a litmus test to determine merit is needed. Quiz bowls, spelling bees, and athletic competitions accomplished this in junior high. I quickly learned my below average mental and athletic worth and behaved accordingly. Duels would be most ideal and satisfy my blood lust. Sadly, they’re unlawful. Oh, to live in the 18th Century!
The Royal Wedding offers the most practical solution. Nearly 2000 guests are invited to the ceremony (C group), only 600 will enjoy the lunch reception (B group), and only 300 will attend the wedding dance and dinner (A group). Grades suggest a test, the ultimate form of demonstrating worth. I secured and edited the royal family’s copy. I encourage you to take it if you’re serious about attending.
Your assigned group indicates how you’ll be treated and acknowledged. Guests are greeted differently: “A guests receive a firm handshake and hug. B guests receive a high five and forced smile. C guests get a slight nod and grunt.” Food is also dependent on your allotted group: “A guests receive: wine, dinner roll, Caesar salad, filet mignon, twice baked potato, steamed seasonal vegetable, coffee, and cake. B guests get water, bologna sandwiches, Cool Ranch Doritos, and Hostess Sno Balls. C guests get a five minute break after serving dinner.”
thegroomtruth 
wedding guest comment card
At the conclusion of the wedding, please fill this out completely and return it to the bride and groom.
Why did you choose to come to this wedding?
a) Obligated.
b) Freewill.
c) Crashed it.
How would you rate the ceremony?
a) Beautiful.
b) Too long, boring, or traditional.
c) Very confusing.
d) Epic freak show.
e) Did not believe it, especially the actor playing the Rabbi.
If you selected c, was it because you don’t understand Hebrew and Judaic customs?
What was your initial thought when the bride walked down the aisle?
a) She’s beautiful.
b) That dress looks great.
c) RUN! HEAD FOR THE HILLS!
The appetizers were similar to food you’d find from:
a) McDonald’s.
b) IHOP.
c) my Mom (please explain what kind of cook she was).
d) Gibson’s Steak House.
e) L’Astrance.
How would you describe your experience of small talk with the bride and groom?
a) Banal or superficial.
b) Similar to when somebody tries to sell me a Caribbean timeshare.
c) Like presidential candidates seeking campaign funds.
d) As if somebody was holding a semi-automatic pistol to their heads.
e) Really nice, until they asked me who I was.
The bride and groom’s first dance was:
a) Endearing.
b) Precious.
c) Robotic.
d) So disturbing that I plan on seeking intensive trauma therapy immediately.
The wedding toasts were:
a) Way too long.
b) Trite, cheesy, sappy, or cliche-ridden.
c) Full of too many inside jokes.
d) More suitable for a elegy.
e) Sounded like they were downloaded off the Internet.
f) Fine, had the speaker not cried. MAN UP!
I found the music selection to be:
a) Way too skimpy on the polka.
b) Akin to being at a Rage Against the Machine concert.
c) Full of wonderful transitions, especially from Hava Nagila to Lady Gaga.
d) Too reliant on gimmicks (limbo and hula hoops) and group dances (Chicken Dance, Electric Slide, etc.).
e) Great, once I pulled the electric cord.
Please describe the venue:
a) Elegant.
b) Charming.
c) Quaint
d) Rustic (there were squirrels in the bathroom).
If you selected d, were you attacked? If so, please fill out a detailed emergency summary report for compensation.
The most surprising thing about the wedding was:
a) No flowers.
b) The magician or petting zoo.
c) The talent show or group tug of war.
d) The arts and crafts table or the circumcision tent for newborns.
e) I made it out alive.
If you selected d, did you make God’s Eyes or sock monkeys? Was there enough glitter, lanyard, and pipe cleaner?
Please rate the bride and groom:
a) Excellent.
b) Good.
c) Average.
d) Below Average.
e) Poor.
Thank you for filling out your card. We will send our rating of you as a guest in the mail. Things we look at include your behavior, appearance, and gift giving ability.
Leave a comment | tags: appetizer, arts and crafts table, bride, bride and groom's first dance, chicken dance, circumcision tent, comment card, electric slide, gibson's steak house, glitter, god's eyes, groom, hava nagila, hebrew, hula hoops, ihop, judaic custom, l'astrance, lady gaga, lanyard, limbo, magician, McDonalds, mom, petting zoo, pipe cleaner, polka, rabbi, rage against the machine, small talk, sock monkey, walking down the aisle, wedding ceremony, wedding dress, wedding flowers, wedding music, wedding toast, wedding venue | posted in love, marriage, wedding, wedding planning